MUD AND CANDLEWAX ON MY FESTIVE TROUSERS

... or WHEN CHRISTMAS GETS MESSY. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a small arfhound wrecking at least some of your Christmas gifts. This is not done with malicious intent, but usually because said hound is saying to herself ...

• I am bored
• 'they' [my people] are ignoring me
• I wonder what that [insert name of precious article here] tastes like
• I wonder how easily [insert name of priceless article here] can be trashed / torn apart / made worthless
• I am bored
• I am still bored and 'they' [my people] usually take me for a walk right about now and they are talking to each other and excluding me. I'll soon sort that *

Now it has to be said that our darling dog does not confine herself to Christmas for her nefarious activities, but it is particularly distressing at this season of joy and goodwill that the festive spirit is being undermined by your 'nearest and dearest' [sic].

I cannot recall whether or not I have regaled you with tales of Gypsy Rose's bouncing prowess. Like many of her breed, the ability to reach great heights without apparent effort is little short of miraculous. (I like those words little and short together. It might make a good alternative name for the dog. "Little Short".) It is a matter of some concern that we have been unable to persuade her to give up on this particular parlour trick and continue to subject dog-lovers and dog-deniers alike that they should give her their complete undivided and uninhibited attention. I am told that this bouncing is an attempt to dominate the victim and establish authority. Hard to see it as anything else. 

'THE ULTIMATE BOUNCE' Trying to dominate or what? Our friend Gerry trying to ignore Gypsy Rose.

The solution according to many dog training experts is to 'ignore the dog'. Thus it will inevitably give up on its recidivist tendencies; see the light and the error of its ways and become 'perfect pooch' in no time. The one fatal flaw in this no doubt brilliant understanding of canine psychology is that even if you - as proud dog-carer and wrangler - are completely au fait with this technique, 99.999% of those one meets on the average excursion, have singularly failed to adequately prepare themselves mentally and physically for any encounter with a determined highly-sprung hound. 

Thus, said hound believes that her carer's attempts at instilling discipline are misguided because everyone else adores being bounced; even if they do not immediately appreciate it. Many are the poor flailing innocents who we encounter on our expeditions as they impotently strive to rid themselves of a Jack-Russell-in-the-box in much the same way as one tries to shake off a very sticky piece of sticky gummy substance. The more you shake, the more stuck it becomes.

My point here is that when it comes to putting on a brand-new pair of trousers - a precious Christmas gift from an adoring wife - prior to leading our 'little short' out on an invigorating trawl around our village on Christmas morn, one should stop and consider the implications. 

1. Will darling dog want to go in the direction in which you are steering her, or will she instead attempt to draw your attention to an alternative scent-friendly route? 
2. Will she desire to cast off the shackles of her overlord to roam freely across the main road to reach another animal trying to do the same in the opposite direction? 
3. Will she indicate her preference by asking politely or sending you a written request?

The answers to these three questions are usually yes, yes and no. And as I am sure you have surmised by now - the clue is in the title after all - little short dogs bounce their requests demands - and in as muddy a way as possible. They will be restrained and subdued should one be wearing rubbly clothing hastily thrown on, knowing it is destined for the washing machine shortly thereafter; but pristine untarnished just-out-of-its-packaging disposition-enhancing Christmas garments induce only 'The Mucky Mud Bounce'.

'The Mucky Mud Bounce' is a variation on the 'Standard Unexpected Trouser Bounce'. It is not unlike the 'Aerial Leap, Twist and Jacket-Grab Manoeuvre' which is a bounce that Gypsy Rose has perfected in recent months. The jacket-grabbing is here replaced by the double paw-jab, ensuring that the front paws are heavily laden with wet sticky mud; the more stain-inducing the better. She has occasionally tried the 'Four Paw Smash and Smear', but this has not been successful, and can lead to an undignified scrabbling to maintain composure. By far the best approach - from the dog's point-of-view - is merely to wait until the unsuspecting carer is seated, perhaps clutching a mug of tea to ensure the hands are otherwise engaged and then deftly leap onto the lap; wriggle a little to embed hairs deep into the fibre of the new trousers, thus despoiling them for the rest of their natural lifespan. Job done.

And if you are wondering where the candlewax comes in, this was in an entirely non dog related incident where a tealight mysteriously leapt from the mantelpiece, splattering hearth, carpet, sofa and of course ... 

It is very difficult to get candlewax out of denim.

* actually that is a bit malicious.